“How are you really doing?”

I love this question.
I think it’s one of the most wonderful questions in the world.
It shows care, concern, and a desire to listen and really know a person.

As adults we have all sorts of canned responses and pat-answers for frequent questions.  I’m not saying there isn’t a place for these “Level 1” communications, they’re fine and dandy… and necessary sometimes.

But when someone asks me “How are you really doing?” it beckons me to stop, take a breath, think, and respond honestly.

God knew I needed this question in recent weeks because He has caused multiple people to ask it. And, thankfully life just seems a bit easier after you have the privilege of sharing your feelings with someone who cares enough to ask the hard questions and listen with tenderness.

So, How Am I Really Doing?
Thought you’d never ask 🙂

Well… let me think. 

Good!

Not good. 

Thankful!

Overwhelmed. 

Peaceful. 

Afraid.

Content!

Discontent.
Victorious!

Defeated.

Tee, hee… do you ever feel that way sometimes? Guess that’s the messy part about trying to answer honestly.

All in all, we are doing very well here in Durango. 

 

God has given us a church home that we couldn’t be happier with. The people are real and messy like us, but they desire to love God and live for His glory. The preaching is Christ-exalting, gospel-centered, and straight from the Bible. The worship pastor has a heart of gold and an ability to lead everyone to fix their eyes upon Jesus (and not him). Can’t say enough good about the pastoral staff at Grace Church and the beautifully broken people that make up the congregation.

We are loving our town home and the courtyard, playset, and mountains surrounding it. It’s been a challenge fitting all of our stuff into 1300sqft, but we’ve done it and really like the layout and functionality of everything. 

The beauty of Durango is a blessing for sure! I miss Lake Michigan, the sandy beach, the variety of flowers and birds like crazy, but these mountains are gorgeous and every day holds its own mix of beauty… rain, sun, hail, lightning, rainbows… it’s all magnificent.

The “overwhelmed, afraid, defeated” feelings have really hit their break-point this last week even though I would definitely say they were present all along… just being ignored and suppressed. See, I don’t juggle lots of big things very well. I like to be in one mode (unpacking) until completion and then switch to the other mode (homeschooling). However, due to the timing of our move, I have had to juggle homeschooling with all of the unpacking, organizing, decorating, painting, and sewing desires for the home. All the while I’ve had a craving to hike, run, explore, play with my kids, and hang out with other people. I wish I could say I successfully balanced everything day-in and day-out over the last month, but nope. Honest truth is that I have dropped the ball in some of the ways that matter most.

Sure, the girls are on track with school and doing well at it.

And, the house is coming together nicely.
Yes, we have managed to hang out with people and make new friends.

Yip, I have provided healthy meals and clean laundry.

But.

This past week the Lord opened my eyes to see things from a different perspective and it has broken my heart.

A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.
Proverbs 14:1

I have been very busy “building my house” so to speak. I’d like to think all my efforts were for my family as a whole, but in the deepest places of my heart it was for me. My family didn’t care how quickly the house came together. I did. I have worked tirelessly this past month… many nights until 2am, 3am, even 5am. I’m good at work. Working is a familiar place for me. And in this particular season I think work became my escape. It helped me not to think about things and people I was missing, it distracted me from fears and anxieties that come from moving to a new place. Ultimately I worked in an effort to gain control of my new world… subconsciously I thought that if I could just get the house perfect then I would have a sense of familiarity, peace, and control.
Meanwhile…

My oldest is exhibiting massive disrespect and disobedience because she too is hurting inside and like her momma is grasping for some sense of control in her world. It doesn’t help that her love language is quality time, of which I’ve had too little to offer.

My youngest (who is one of the most content children I’ve ever known) has been told again and again that I would do this or that activity with her “later”… “later” never coming.

And my Man has been treated more like a handy-man than a husband.

Sounds like a foolish woman tearing down her house with her own hands to me. Ugh.

Would I have shared this two weeks ago if you’d asked? Nope. Couldn’t see it.

But God, rich in mercy, illuminates our understanding. Funny thing is that I was praying fervently for the issues being exhibited by Nya, begging God for wisdom and understanding. He answered. But the problem wasn’t as much her as it was me.

Children need moms. 

 Not just moms that teach them, cook for them, and do their laundry. They need moms that play, snuggle, read, wrestle, build, craft, etc. My failure first came to light when the girls and I were shopping and Nya held up a frame with a picture of a mom swinging with her daughter and commented, “This picture makes me sad because it reminds me of how you used to have time to play with us before we moved here.” If that doesn’t hit you like a ton of bricks…

Husbands need wives. 

 Not just home-makers. I regretfully confess it’s much easier for me to be a home-maker than a wife. But at the end of the day God is not impressed with my homemaking skills nearly as much as He’s concerned about my relational skills. I have failed to build up my husband because I’ve been too distracted building up my house.

A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.
Proverbs 14:1See, this proverb isn’t talking about literal house-building. The house is a metaphor for the people God has placed in her immediate care. If I am to be a wise woman I will build those people up… with my words, my time, my affection, my concern, and my service. A foolish woman, on the other hand, destroys her family with her own words, harsh reactions, unloving hands, busyness, and neglect.

Many many repentant tears have been shed and with renewed perspective I shifted my priorities last Sunday. 

Interesting observations this week: 

 

(Apparently that’s what I had become to her… just the boss of everyone.)

• My husband is feeling loved, much more joyful, and content

I have never liked the saying “A happy wife is a happy life.”

I think a better motto is, “A loving wife eliminates strife.”

 A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.
Proverbs 14:1

And that’s how I’m really doing…
trying to build my real house one day at a time. 
“Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins.”
1 Peter 4:8