Ahhhh, Christmas. A season of wonder and awe, gratitude and giving, of joy and delight!
Or – is it?
You caught a glimpse of my cynical side in last year’s post: How To Ruin The Holidays in 3 Easy Steps. Oh how I was relieved to discover I’m not the only God-loving Grinch out there! You laughed, you commented, and you shared the link because – you get it. None of us wants to morph into this hideous green creature, but that’s what sleep-deprivation and stress do to a person!
Truth is – there is a real Grinch who steals Christmas. A thief by nature and he loves to rob us of joy:
Expectation.
Christmas ushers in a whole slew of expectations: everything from family traditions and decorating, carols and candlelight services, to gift giving and cookie making. Within the scope of all-things-Christmas there’s plenty of room for failure and disappointment, not just because of our own expectations but also because of the multiplied expectations of everyone around us!
I am a people-pleaser (not necessarily a good quality). If you are too, then you might resonate when I say that for me the holidays are like a volcanic eruption of anxiety that’s been rumbling under the surface all year. My fear of disappointing people swells to a painful pimple-head at Christmas time (and yes, I know that’s gross). But it’s true, I just want to pop the thing and get on with it.
Every year, in this month of December, a sort of spiritual eclipse takes place in my heart: joy becomes overshadowed by expectation.
Wait a minute, but isn’t expectation exactly what made that first Bethlehem night so special? And is it not expectation that brings that sort of magical wonder to the face of every child?
I dare say… No.
Expectation is different than say… anticipation, excitement, and hope. My husband and I have three kids; two of them can feel anticipation and excitement about a “fun family evening” without having any specific ideas of what’s going to happen. The other one, however, in about 2.5 seconds, will have the entire evening planned out and a heart set on things going exactly that way. Can you guess which child most often experiences disappointment in our family?
Expectation takes hope and infuses it with our own ideas of how that desire should be fulfilled. These specific ideas morph into demands (unbeknownst to us) that we then place on ourselves and others in order to carry out said plan. When this happens contentment and joy become volatile, as they’re no longer rooted in trusting God but instead depend on how closely our expectations are met. The further our reality is from our expectation the more disappointment we feel – even if reality is pretty darn good.
Let me illustrate this another way through a non-emotional but familiar experience to most of us. We’ve all been thirsty and reached for a glass of water to quench our thirst. But have you ever reached for a glass, taken a drink only to discover that what you thought you were about to drink was NOT what was in the glass? There’s a weird sensation in that moment, right? And interestingly enough your brain registers this as an unpleasant experience even though that liquid may be a pleasant taste for you if you’d expected it. In this scenario your dissatisfaction came not from a wrong desire nor from an unpleasant liquid, but simply because you had a preconceived notion of what that quenching of thirst would taste like.
The same can happen in life. Whether it be the little things like gifts and activities or the bigger issues of relationships, careers, and health, we can’t help but form certain expectations. And not all are bad, of course. We expect a certain level of education and treatment from those in the medical field, and rightly so. We expect a certain level of commitment and love in marriage, and it’s natural to experience sorrow when it’s not there. But learning to recognize when expectations are tainting our relationships and experiences unnecessarily goes a long way in helping us fight for joy.
I’ve heard from enough of you to know that I’m not alone in my holiday struggles. At Christmas we readily take on the expectations of others without regard for our own sanity sometimes. I could rattle off lists, but I don’t have to. Because you get it. They’re all good things; how could we possibly say No to any of them?
But not every good thing is a God thing. I write to you today NOT as one who’s figured out the art of saying “No” just perfectly nor that right balance between being Mary versus Martha. I just know that there has to be such a thing if we are to live with joy and peace.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10
Is it any wonder that our fight for joy becomes paradoxically more difficult as we celebrate the birth of the Joy-Giver? The thief is still after the same thing – to steal our joy, kill our spirit, and destroy our relationships. Expectation is just one of the many weapons in his arsenal.
On that first Noel, when the long-awaited Promise was born in a manger, of course there was great anticipation, excitement, and hope! How could there NOT be? – their Savior King had finally come! But as anticipation and hope rose over the course of thirty-three years, so did specific ideas of who He should be and what He should do. They imagined the Messiah would be a warrior king who would overthrow the Roman government and rescue God’s people from their oppression. This man, Jesus, was infinitely more than that, but they couldn’t see it through their own expectations.
This Christmas what better gift than to bring our expectations – both our own and those of others – and surrender them on the altar of the Lord…
Lord Jesus,
Show us where our expectations might be clouding our view of others.
Help us understand the ways we taint our relationships with specific ideas of how they should be.
And grant us the wisdom to know what expectations we can joyfully fulfill and what ones we need to let go of.
Amen.
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Niki Schemanski is a wife of eighteen years and homeschooling mother of three children. A love of singing led her into an early career in performing arts at eight years and after college she became a worship pastor. She and her family reside in Durango, Colorado. (Read More: About The Author)