So today Matt (AK-49) said he’d give me $10 if I’d take a bite out of an onion like it was an apple. As one who understands the value of ten dollars, I took him up on the offer. Plus I’ve heard of people eating onions like apples before so I thought it couldn’t be that bad. The events that ensued proved my inital thoughts completly false.

It started harmless enough; a big bite and a little onion flavor. I noticed the onion starting to get stronger so I sped up the chewing to get things moving. After I was sure it was chewed thoroughly enough to get it down I swallowed. (This is where things got fun.) It started as a mild burn in the back of the throat that slowly crept its way into my nose; then the tears started… I’ve never heard of an onion headache, and if it didn’t exist before today, it does now. The burning that had found it’s way to my nose slowly started migrating up and back until the top of my head felt like it was froze on the inside and on fire on the outside. It was then I looked at Matt and said: “Man, this is intense!” After bending over and cradling my head in my hands for a minute I felt a new sensation stirring. I quickly made my way to the trash can “just in case”. I let out a couple nice belches and began to wonder if things were starting to clear up. My question was quickly answered. NO! It only took four dry heaves and three real ones to know that I had made a terminal judgment error by agreeing to this harmless dare. Plus, as I was headed to the trash Matt said, “You don’t get the money if you can’t keep it down!” So I lost the only thing that was going to make this worth anything.

I can’t say that I really regret it though, because I’d have always wondered what eating a raw onion was like, but I did learn some things: There can’t be many aftertastes worse than onion puke, and ONIONS ARE NOT LIKE APPLES!